When You Stop Needing, You Start Having
The Paradox of Desire: Why Wanting Something Too Much Keeps You From Getting It
I'm Manuel Saez, I write to help founders master emotional intelligence to make decisions with clarity 🌻 EQ coach, 2X-founder & award-winning designer ➜ I love fixing old motorcycles 🛵 🏍
Reading time: 8 min.
Contents:
The Value of Options to Reverse the Paradox of Desire
The Paradox of Desire: Why Wanting Less Makes it Easier
Understanding the Psychology Behind the Paradox of Desire
Strategies to Overcome the Desire Trap
Energy and Vibes: The Power of Mindset in Achieving Goals
"The moment you stop chasing is when the butterfly lands on your shoulder." – David Thoreau.
It can be frustrating and puzzling when you try something over and over without making progress. But as soon as your energy and mindset change and you stop trying so hard, things turn around like magic.
The Paradox of Desire states that wanting something too much can push it further away. I have experienced this paradox too many times. Over the years, I have gotten better at identifying when I am stuck in this paradox and taking action to overcome it.
Today, I want to explore the psychological factors behind this paradox, the importance of building options and practicing detachment, and strategies for effectively managing excessive desire.
The Value of Options to Reverse the Paradox of Desire
While fundraising for my startup, I learned firsthand about the paradox of desire. The more I felt I needed the funds, the harder it seemed to secure them. This desperate energy seemed to push potential investors away rather than attract them.
Initially, my approach was filled with anxiety and a sense of urgency. Every pitch felt like a do-or-die moment, and I was constantly stressed about the outcome. This anxiety was evident to the investors, making them less confident in my pitch. It's hard to hide desperation, and people can sense it.
To overcome this "needy" feeling, I made a list of alternative options or "Plan B," outlining actions I could take if I couldn't secure an investment.
Having this backup plan lifted the weight of closing the round, and I became more relaxed and authentic during pitches. This not only made me feel better but also made the investors more comfortable and interested. They could see my confidence, which made them more interested in being part of my journey.
This change in approach made a significant difference. I stopped thinking about the immediate need for funds and started thinking about how I could build genuine relationships with potential investors. This mindset shift allowed me to focus on sharing my passion for the project rather than stressing over the outcome.
This experience taught me a valuable lesson about having options to build confidence and stop depending on one thing to save the day. This approach can be applied to many areas of life, helping to reduce stress and improve outcomes.
The Paradox of Desire: Why Wanting Less Makes it Easier
The paradox of desire states that "the more you want something, the harder it can be to get it." You, me, and probably everyone in the world have experienced this paradox at some point in their lives.
When we really want something, we often focus on the fact that we don't have it. This creates stress and anxiety, which can cloud our judgment and lead to poor decisions.
For example, if you're desperate for a job, your anxiety might show in interviews, making it less likely you'll get hired.
Psychologists also explain that focusing too much on a goal can lead to fear of failure, which can cause us to make mistakes. Mark Manson calls this the "Backwards Law," meaning that wanting a positive experience too much can actually create a negative one.
So, what can we do? The key is to practice detachment. This means having goals but not being overly attached to specific outcomes.
When you let go of some of the pressure and focus more on the process than the result, you often find it easier to reach your goals. This approach helps you stay calm and think clearly, leading to better decisions and success.
Understanding this paradox can help us want things more healthily, leading to more satisfaction and well-being in our lives.
Understanding the Psychology Behind the Paradox of Desire
The psychology behind why we often want things more when they seem out of reach is fascinating.
One key concept here is the "scarcity mentality." When something is scarce or seems difficult to obtain, our brains perceive it as more valuable. This perception increases our desire for it, sometimes to unhealthy levels.
Research in psychology supports this idea. Studies show that when people perceive something as scarce, they are more likely to want it intensely and make irrational decisions to obtain it. This is because our brains are wired to prioritize rare opportunities, a trait likely developed to help our ancestors survive.
Another factor is the "fear of missing out" (FOMO). This fear can amplify our desires and make us act impulsively. When we believe we might miss out on something important, our anxiety levels rise, and we become more desperate to secure that thing. This desperation can cloud our judgment and lead to poor decisions.
Psychologists also talk about the role of "self-worth" in desire. Often, our desires are tied to how we see ourselves. We might want it even more if we believe that achieving a specific goal or obtaining a particular item will improve our self-worth. This can create a cycle where our self-esteem constantly depends on external achievements, leading to chronic dissatisfaction.
Societal pressures also play a significant role. Our culture often equates success with having more—more money, more status, more possessions. This societal influence can make us feel inadequate if we don't constantly strive for more, fueling excessive desire.
Understanding these psychological factors can help us recognize when our desires are becoming unhealthy. We can then work towards a healthier mindset and a more balanced approach to our goals.
Strategies to Overcome the Desire Trap
Overcoming excessive desire requires a mix of practical strategies and emotional intelligence. Here are some effective ways to manage and reduce unhealthy levels of desire.
➜ Building Options
Creating a list of alternative options or "Plan B" strategies can effectively manage excessive desire. By outlining other actions you could take if your primary plan doesn't work out, you reduce the stress associated with achieving your main goal. This approach helps shift your focus from desperation to confidence, allowing you to remain calm and make better decisions.
➜ Practice Mindfulness and Self-Awareness
Mindfulness involves being present in the moment and observing your thoughts and feelings without judgment. This practice helps you become more aware of your desires and how they affect your behavior.
By regularly practicing mindfulness, you can catch yourself when your desires become excessive and take steps to manage them.
➜ Focus on the Process, Not the Outcome
Instead of fixating on the end goal, try to enjoy the journey. This shift in focus can reduce the pressure you place on yourself and make the experience more enjoyable. For example, if you're working towards a promotion, concentrate on doing your current job well and learning new skills rather than constantly thinking about the promotion itself.
➜ Set Realistic Expectations
Setting realistic and achievable goals is crucial in managing desire. Unrealistic expectations can lead to frustration and disappointment, intensifying your desire. Break your goals into smaller, manageable steps and celebrate your progress along the way.
➜ Develop Emotional Intelligence
Emotional intelligence (EI) is the ability to understand and manage your emotions and the emotions of others. High EI can help you handle the frustrations and setbacks that come with unfulfilled desires. Empathy, self-regulation, and effective communication can enhance your EI. These skills can help you maintain a balanced perspective and avoid letting your desires control your actions.
➜ Cultivate Gratitude
Gratitude is a powerful tool for managing desire. Regularly reflecting on what you are thankful for can shift your focus from what you lack to what you have. This shift in perspective can reduce feelings of scarcity and help you appreciate your current situation. Keeping a gratitude journal or taking a few moments each day to think about your gratitude can make a significant difference.
➜ Embrace Detachment
Detachment doesn't mean not caring about your goals. Instead, it means reducing the emotional attachment to specific outcomes. By practicing detachment, you can maintain your motivation without becoming overwhelmed by the pressure to succeed. This balanced approach allows you to stay focused and productive while keeping stress levels in check.
Energy and Vibes: The Power of Mindset in Achieving Goals
This concept is often linked to the Law of Attraction, which suggests that the energy we emit into the world can significantly influence the outcomes we experience.
The Law of Attraction
This subject can be misunderstood, but in my experience, it is true. Our mindset and the energy we project play an active role in how things turn out.
The Law of Attraction is based on the idea that likes attract.
This means the thoughts and energy you focus on will bring similar experiences into your life. If you constantly focus on what you lack or fear, you may attract more of those negative experiences.
For example, if you're always worried about not having enough money, that can create a scarcity mindset, making it harder for you to see and seize opportunities for financial growth.
On the other hand, focusing on abundance and success can help you attract positive experiences and opportunities. This principle is supported by various psychological studies. Positive thinking and visualization techniques, where individuals imagine themselves achieving their goals, can enhance motivation and performance. This aligns your subconscious mind with your conscious goals, making it easier to achieve them.
How Your Energy Affects Your Outcomes
The energy you bring into any situation can shape the outcome. Positive energy tends to attract positive results. When you approach your goals with an optimistic mindset, you're more likely to see opportunities and solutions than obstacles.
This optimistic outlook can make you more resilient and creative, which are essential qualities for achieving success. Studies have shown that individuals with a positive mindset are more likely to engage in proactive behaviors, leading to better performance and outcomes.
Conversely, negative energy, such as stress and anxiety, can cloud your judgment and lead to poor decisions. Others can also sense this negative energy, potentially pushing them away or making them hesitant to collaborate with you.
The Importance of Letting Go
Letting go, or detachment doesn't mean you stop caring about your goals. Instead, it means reducing the emotional attachment to specific outcomes.
This doesn't mean you give up on your aspirations; instead, you let go of the excessive worry about the results.
When you detach, you reduce the stress and pressure associated with achieving your goals, leading to better decision-making and a more enjoyable journey.
Detachment allows you to focus on the process rather than the result. Enjoying the journey and being open to different outcomes creates a more positive and flexible mindset.
This can lead to better decisions and more innovative solutions. Embracing detachment helps you remain calm and centered, even when faced with challenges, which ultimately supports your overall success and well-being.
In his book, "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck," Mark Manson emphasizes the value of detachment. He explains that caring less about specific outcomes can reduce anxiety and increase our ability to take meaningful action. Manson argues that by focusing on what truly matters and letting go of excessive worry about results, we can live more fulfilled and effective lives.
Cultivating positive energy and practicing detachment can significantly impact your ability to achieve your goals. By focusing on positive energy, practicing mindfulness, and using the principles of the Law of Attraction, you can create an environment that supports your success and well-being.
Conclusion
The paradox of desire teaches us that sometimes, the harder we chase something, the more it slips away.
Here are the key takeaways:
Build Options: Create alternative plans to alleviate the pressure of achieving a specific outcome.
Practice Detachment: Focus on the process rather than being overly attached to results.
Embrace Positive Energy: Cultivate a positive mindset to attract positive outcomes.
Understand Psychological Factors: Recognize how scarcity mentality, FOMO, and self-worth influence desires.
Apply the Law of Attraction: Align your thoughts and energy with your goals to enhance motivation and performance.
Applying these strategies can help you enjoy the journey, make better decisions, and achieve lasting fulfillment.
Sending you good vibes 🌻
Manuel Saez