The Case for Candor
The Good Relationship you want Is on the Other Side of a Candid Conversation
Hi, I'm Manuel Saez, 2x Founder, Award-Winning Designer, and Emotional Intelligence Coach 🌻 Here I Share the advice I wish I had while building my businesses ➜ I love fixing old motorcycles 🛵🏍️
Reading time: 4 min.
Contents:
- Great Relationships Are Built on Candor
- Candor Creates Stronger Connections
- Candor in Personal Relationships
- How to Have a Dificult Conversation
- Candor is the Ultimate Test of a Relationship
Great Relationships Are Built on Candor
I’ve learned this the hard way—by staying silent when I should have spoken up, by watching relationships erode in unspoken frustration, and by avoiding difficult conversations that, in the end, would have made life easier.
We don’t speak up because we’re afraid.
Afraid of conflict.
Afraid of getting fired.
Afraid of hurting someone.
Afraid of damaging a relationship we want to keep.
But the irony is that the fear that keeps us quiet isn’t real. More often than not, when you push past that fear and have the hard conversation, the relationship gets stronger, not weaker.
That said, how you have those conversations matters.
Open and candid conversations are healthy, but candor isn’t about being blunt for the sake of it—it’s about being honest in a way that leads to clarity, resolution, and sometimes, necessary change.
In this essay, I’ll share my approach to having hard conversations—the kind that deepen trust, strengthen relationships, and give you peace of mind.
Candor Creates Stronger Connections
The great relationship you want is on the other side of a hard conversation
Hard conversations are the building blocks of great relationships, whether at work or in your personal life.
If you feel like a teammate has let you down, say something.
If your boss isn’t pulling their weight, say something.
If your employees are slacking off, say something.
There are ways to go about it—timing, tone, delivery all matter—but the point is, if you keep biting your tongue, the relationship will slowly rot from the inside out.
I’ve been there.
There was a time when I had a boss who, to put it bluntly, wasn’t leading. He was hands-off when I needed guidance, absent when I needed support, and quick to take credit when things went well.
Every time it happened, I’d get frustrated. But I kept quiet because, well, he was my boss.
I thought I was keeping the peace. But really, I was making myself miserable.
Eventually, I realized that I had two choices. Either I speak up or I stay in a situation where I feel undervalued and resentful.
Before I said anything, I built options. I started looking at other jobs—not because I was sure I wanted to leave, but because I wanted leverage. I knew that if the conversation didn’t go well and I lost my job, I had a plan B. And that changed everything.
Having options gives you confidence.
When I finally asked for a meeting, I didn’t attack. I didn’t accuse. I laid out the facts. “Here’s what I need. Here’s what’s not working.” I was direct but respectful.
And to my surprise, he listened.
He wasn’t even aware of how his actions were affecting me. Once I told him, he saw my side and changed his behavior. He became more present, more involved, and more intentional about giving credit where it was due. The dynamic shifted, and our working relationship improved.
If I had never spoken up, nothing would have changed.
Candor always leads to clarity. And sometimes, it leads to a better relationship than you thought possible.
Candor in Personal Relationships
At work, speaking up is about performance, expectations, and results. In personal relationships, it’s about emotions, habits, and deep-seated patterns.
That makes it harder. But the principle still applies.
You won’t change people. That’s not the goal. The goal is for them to see your perspective and to understand how their actions affect you.
If they change great, if they don’s it is also good because you did what was under your control: expressing your self with candor, clarity and compassion.
I once had a friend who constantly flaked on plans. Small excuses, last-minute cancellations, always something. At first, I let it slide. Then, it became a pattern.
I started feeling like I was chasing the friendship.
So I spoke up. I told him, straight up, that his behavior made me feel like I wasn’t a priority. His response? “I didn’t realize I was doing that.”
After that, he made an effort. Our friendship improved.
But I’ve also had the opposite happen—where I spoke up, and the person got defensive. They didn’t change. And that was my cue. Instead of dragging out the inevitable, I knew it was time to step back.
Candor won’t always fix the relationship. But it will always show you where you stand.
How to Have a Dificult Conversation
Speaking up isn’t just about what you say—how you go about it matters. How, when, and where matters.
A well-timed, well-framed conversation can change the course of a relationship. A careless one can cause unnecessary friction.
Over the years, I’ve developed a process that helps me approach these conversations with confidence and intention.
1. Do a Self-Inquiry First
Before I speak up, I ask myself a few key questions:
Am I overreacting?
Is this a pattern or a one-time thing?
Have I contributed to the problem?
Not everything deserves a conversation. Some things are just bad days. Other times, what bothers me today won’t matter next week. If I’m upset, I give myself space before reacting, because reacting from emotion rarely leads to clarity.
If, after thinking it through, I still feel the need to address it, I check whether this is a pattern. One mistake, one forgotten detail, or one bad interaction isn’t always worth confronting. But if I see a consistent behavior that affects my work, my well-being, or the relationship, then it’s time to speak up.
I also ask myself: Have I played a part in this?
For example, if a teammate keeps missing deadlines, have I been unclear in my expectations? If a friend keeps flaking, have I do it myself to them creating the expectations that it is ok to flake? Taking responsibility for my own role makes it easier for the other person to do the same.
And if I suspect I’ve done something wrong, I bring it up first.
People often hold back because they’re unsure how to voice their frustrations. If I sense tension, I open the door by asking:
"Hey, I feel like something’s off between us. Did I do something that upset you?"
It’s amazing how much people appreciate this. When I take the lead in addressing tension, it gives them permission to speak freely.
2. Gather Clear Examples
One of the biggest mistakes people make in hard conversations is being too vague or speaking in absolutes.
Bad approach: "You never listen to me."
Better approach: "Last week in our meeting, I suggested X, and you dismissed it. Yesterday, the same thing happened with Y. I want to understand why."
Specific examples ground the conversation in reality.
They eliminate the natural tendency for defensiveness and keep the focus on facts instead of emotions.
When I prepare for a conversation, I make sure I can point to at least three instances that illustrate the issue. If I can’t find clear examples, it may just be frustration talking, not a real pattern.
3. Pick the Right Time and Place
Timing is everything. A well-timed conversation can lead to resolution. A poorly timed one can create more resistance than necessary.
Here’s what I avoid:
Bringing it up when emotions are high. If someone is already frustrated, stressed, or under pressure, they won’t be open to hearing me.
Addressing it in the middle of a big event. Just because I’ve worked up the courage to say something doesn’t mean it’s the right moment.
Waiting too long. If I sit on an issue for months, resentment builds, and it becomes harder to have a calm, productive conversation.
Instead, I look for neutral moments when things feel steady. And if I don’t see one? I create one.
In a work setting, I’ll say: “Hey, can we set aside 15 minutes to chat? There’s something I’d like to discuss.”
In personal relationships, I might say: “Hey, I’ve been thinking about something and would love to talk when you have a minute.”
And always, always in private.
A hard conversation should be a two-way exchange, not a performance for others to witness.
4. Be Direct But Thoughtful
Candor isn’t about being harsh—it’s about being clear while keeping the other person’s dignity intact.
Bad approach: “You’re lazy, and I can’t rely on you.”
Better approach: “I’ve noticed you’ve missed a few deadlines. Is there something going on?”
Both statements address the same issue, but one invites a conversation while the other invites defensiveness.
When I bring up an issue, I use a structure that keeps the conversation productive:
State the behavior clearly.
"I’ve noticed that you’ve been late to the last three meetings."Explain how it affects things.
"It’s been hard to move forward because we need your input."Ask for their perspective.
"Is there something going on? How can we fix this?"
This approach keeps the focus on resolution, not blame.
Another thing I remind myself: People don’t always realize how their actions affect others.
I’ve had conversations where I expected pushback, only to hear: "Oh, I didn’t realize I was doing that. Thanks for telling me."
That’s why tone matters. If I come in hot, assuming bad intent, I create resistance. But if I approach it as a conversation, not an accusation, I get a much better response.
5. Have a Measurable Outcome
A hard conversation should lead to action, not just venting.
I always ask myself:
What needs to change?
How will I know if things are improving?
It’s not enough for someone to say, “I’ll do better.” There should be a clear next step.
For example:
If I talk to a teammate about missing deadlines, we might agree on a check-in system to keep projects on track.
If I talk to a friend about feeling neglected, we might agree on a standing monthly catch-up.
Afterward, I take notes. Not formal ones, just for myself:
What was said?
How did they react?
What lingers in my mind?
Sometimes, I don’t notice certain details until I write them down. The tone they used. The way I felt afterward. Writing helps me process what actually happened versus how I felt in the moment.
And if I see no real change over time? That tells me something, too.
Candor is the Ultimate Test of a Relationship
We avoid hard conversations because we think they’ll make things worse. But in my experience, they almost always make things better.
The strongest relationships—whether at work, in friendships, or in life—are built on the ability to speak freely without fear.
When you don’t have to walk on eggshells, when honesty isn’t seen as a threat but as a sign of trust, that’s when a relationship is truly solid.
Not every relationship can handle that. And that’s fine. Some people will get defensive. Some will push back. Some will show you, through their reaction, that the relationship isn’t as strong as you thought.
But the ones that can handle candor? They’re worth everything.
When you avoid hard conversations, you avoid real relationships.
If you can’t say what needs to be said, if you feel like honesty would break things, then maybe that relationship wasn’t built to last in the first place.
Looking back, I’ve had plenty of conversations where speaking up made things better—strengthening trust, clearing misunderstandings, and making life easier. And I’ve had others where it ended things sooner than I expected.
Either way, it’s always been for the best.
What’s a time when speaking up changed things for you—either for better or worse? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Share your experiences—I’m always learning from these conversations.
Sending you good vibes, 🌻
Manuel
👉 manuelsaez.com
I have found that going deeper like continuing to ask "Why?" helps find a common ground and builds mutual understanding.
On some level the fundamental motivations of nearly all people align.