Thanks for this post, Manuel. I've been working with a narcissist for many years. The person had even been my boss for a big portion of the time. It took me years to realize what was going on. Actually, I only recently realized that I was dealing with a narcissist. Even today, when I'm thinking of this person, I'm getting a higher heart rate, I feel rage and some other not so nice feelings. Unfortunately, I still have to work with this person from time to time. It's still not easy, but now that I know what the issue is (i.e. I'm not the issue) I can cope better with it. And luckily I have a great boss who is very understanding and knows the problem. I can always count on them to back me up (constantly and not just when it suits them).
I hope that should I encounter another narcissist in the future, that I won't take me decades to realize this. And I hope that you were also able to clear the situation with 'your' narcissist.
Absolutely. I’ve worked with people who seemed to drain my energy—whether it was due to their negativity, lack of accountability, or constant drama. It’s exhausting, especially when you have to maintain professionalism while protecting your own peace.
One approach that worked for me was setting firm but subtle boundaries. I kept interactions brief and focused on work, steering clear of emotional entanglements. If the person started venting or pulling me into their chaos, I redirected the conversation back to tasks or simply excused myself. Another key strategy was managing my own mindset—reminding myself that their energy didn’t have to dictate mine. Instead of getting frustrated, I viewed them as a challenge in emotional intelligence and resilience.
For those in a tough spot, I’d say:
1. Set limits – Minimize unnecessary interactions and stay task-oriented.
2. Control your energy – You can’t change them, but you can control your response.
3. Find an outlet – Whether it’s venting to a trusted friend, exercising, or mindfulness, find a way to release the stress.
4. Look for the lesson – Sometimes, difficult people teach us patience, assertiveness, or clarity on what we won’t tolerate in future roles.
I dated a woman who was a narcissist. At first, I didn't know what I was dealing with. She was extremely physically attractive and had a big sexual appetite. She also regarded herself as a genius, an authority on everything. She frequently bragged about herself and put down others.
Despite her self-proclaimed superiority, her life was a shambles. She was technically homeless, living with a friend in exchange for pet-sitting and housekeeping. She was almost broke, with a little coming in from a trust fund. She had lost her children to social services and her husband had left her. She was often deceptive and lied all the time. That's why it took me so long to figure out the facts about her life.
In her attitude towards me, she would alternate between praise and put-down. It was totally confusing and I began to wonder whether I was the one who was nuts. I was seeing a therapist at the time, and when I lay the thing out before him, he said, "Sounds like a narcissist." "Uh?" I said, "What's that?" He read me the DSM definition and it just clicked. I did some research and, sure enough, she fit the bill. And, in a collateral realization, so did my own father.
When I "amicably" ended our relationship, she became enraged. She started harassing me by text and email. We're talking between thirty and forty texts and emails a day. Some of them totally deranged, threatening and vicious. It took a lot of restraint to not respond. But after a few weeks, they finally tapered off.
What I can say is that the moment you sense that someone is a narcissist, keep your distance. The only way to deal with them is to cut off them off completely, if you can. If it's in the workplace, you want to engage as little as possible, and keep it professional. Otherwise, they will feed on you. Don't think you can fix them. They are broken inside and use others to mirror their insecurities. Observe the projections and reversals of the most popular narcissist in town right now. That should give you some idea of what you're dealing with.
Seems like there's either the narcissist or the one being affected; not a victim per se, but only temporary since the boundaries weren't set and had already been violated or crossed. But we live and learn; sometimes it seems that we have to relive this pattern a few times until we fully learn the lesson. Grateful for the insights. 🙏-i
I'm sorry to hear that. I know how this feels as I had a narcissist as manager for many years. Luckily, I'm in another position now and I don't have to deal with them on a daily basis anymore.
Hello Manueal, Dr. Elsa T. Khwaja, Kyle Shepard, Rebecca Lötscher, Salome Saaiman, Lorelai White, and all. Please see/share our research from Captain Dan Hanley, Captain Rob Balsamo, Amber Quitno, Prof. Tony Martin, Prof. Graeme MacQueen, Dr. Paul Craig Roberts and others and help us improve it if you can. Thank you!
Thanks for this post, Manuel. I've been working with a narcissist for many years. The person had even been my boss for a big portion of the time. It took me years to realize what was going on. Actually, I only recently realized that I was dealing with a narcissist. Even today, when I'm thinking of this person, I'm getting a higher heart rate, I feel rage and some other not so nice feelings. Unfortunately, I still have to work with this person from time to time. It's still not easy, but now that I know what the issue is (i.e. I'm not the issue) I can cope better with it. And luckily I have a great boss who is very understanding and knows the problem. I can always count on them to back me up (constantly and not just when it suits them).
I hope that should I encounter another narcissist in the future, that I won't take me decades to realize this. And I hope that you were also able to clear the situation with 'your' narcissist.
Thanks for sharing, Rebecca. Your story is far too common an people do not know it is not them. I am glad you are in a good place now 🌻
Covert narcissists are the worst. Generally, don't recognize those type of narcissists until it feels like it’s too late.
Exactly, Anna. Not fun at all…
Absolutely. I’ve worked with people who seemed to drain my energy—whether it was due to their negativity, lack of accountability, or constant drama. It’s exhausting, especially when you have to maintain professionalism while protecting your own peace.
One approach that worked for me was setting firm but subtle boundaries. I kept interactions brief and focused on work, steering clear of emotional entanglements. If the person started venting or pulling me into their chaos, I redirected the conversation back to tasks or simply excused myself. Another key strategy was managing my own mindset—reminding myself that their energy didn’t have to dictate mine. Instead of getting frustrated, I viewed them as a challenge in emotional intelligence and resilience.
For those in a tough spot, I’d say:
1. Set limits – Minimize unnecessary interactions and stay task-oriented.
2. Control your energy – You can’t change them, but you can control your response.
3. Find an outlet – Whether it’s venting to a trusted friend, exercising, or mindfulness, find a way to release the stress.
4. Look for the lesson – Sometimes, difficult people teach us patience, assertiveness, or clarity on what we won’t tolerate in future roles.
I dated a woman who was a narcissist. At first, I didn't know what I was dealing with. She was extremely physically attractive and had a big sexual appetite. She also regarded herself as a genius, an authority on everything. She frequently bragged about herself and put down others.
Despite her self-proclaimed superiority, her life was a shambles. She was technically homeless, living with a friend in exchange for pet-sitting and housekeeping. She was almost broke, with a little coming in from a trust fund. She had lost her children to social services and her husband had left her. She was often deceptive and lied all the time. That's why it took me so long to figure out the facts about her life.
In her attitude towards me, she would alternate between praise and put-down. It was totally confusing and I began to wonder whether I was the one who was nuts. I was seeing a therapist at the time, and when I lay the thing out before him, he said, "Sounds like a narcissist." "Uh?" I said, "What's that?" He read me the DSM definition and it just clicked. I did some research and, sure enough, she fit the bill. And, in a collateral realization, so did my own father.
When I "amicably" ended our relationship, she became enraged. She started harassing me by text and email. We're talking between thirty and forty texts and emails a day. Some of them totally deranged, threatening and vicious. It took a lot of restraint to not respond. But after a few weeks, they finally tapered off.
What I can say is that the moment you sense that someone is a narcissist, keep your distance. The only way to deal with them is to cut off them off completely, if you can. If it's in the workplace, you want to engage as little as possible, and keep it professional. Otherwise, they will feed on you. Don't think you can fix them. They are broken inside and use others to mirror their insecurities. Observe the projections and reversals of the most popular narcissist in town right now. That should give you some idea of what you're dealing with.
Jan, Thanks for sharing your story. You are describing a textbook experience with a narcissistic partner. Good thing you figured it out.
Seems like there's either the narcissist or the one being affected; not a victim per se, but only temporary since the boundaries weren't set and had already been violated or crossed. But we live and learn; sometimes it seems that we have to relive this pattern a few times until we fully learn the lesson. Grateful for the insights. 🙏-i
Thank you!
Thanks! My daughter is in a similar situation with her manager, and your post is a helpful and well-structured guideline. 😊👌
I'm sorry to hear that. I know how this feels as I had a narcissist as manager for many years. Luckily, I'm in another position now and I don't have to deal with them on a daily basis anymore.
Thank you, Lorelai. Sending her good vibes 🌻
Hello Manueal, Dr. Elsa T. Khwaja, Kyle Shepard, Rebecca Lötscher, Salome Saaiman, Lorelai White, and all. Please see/share our research from Captain Dan Hanley, Captain Rob Balsamo, Amber Quitno, Prof. Tony Martin, Prof. Graeme MacQueen, Dr. Paul Craig Roberts and others and help us improve it if you can. Thank you!
https://michaelatkinson.substack.com/
Sincerely,
Michael
🦖